I am Commander Shepard, Executive Officer of the SSV Normandy. I am scowling at the corrupted identity matrix flaunting its failure before me. I breathe through my nose and the pressure of boiling rage (that which only inanimate objects can inspire) begins to leave me. I lean back to soothe the cramp in my back that wasn’t there before this failure cascade of idiocy. I crack my knuckles. I hunch forward, encircling the computer terminal. There is no escaping me this time. It asks for my sex. I remind it I am female, though I know deep inside that I…
By Steven Croop
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Posted in PC Gaming Nonsense
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Also tagged Acerbic, Air Pressure, Captain Anderson, Computer Terminal, Crusades, dungeons and dragons, games is ert, Hair Colour, Hunch, Imagination, Inanimate Objects, Intelligent Life, Kindling, Knuckles, Mass Effect, Maw, modern warfare 2, Normandy, Pen And Paper, Psychological Profile, Psychopathy, Reapers, Red Hair And Green Eyes, Second Game, Sole Survivor, Ssv, Steven Croop, Todd Richter, Warhammer
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As a gamer I’ve come to expect some respect from my minions over the years. If I tell an elf to go and slay a dragon I expect him to thank me for the opportunity, get his trusty bow and go fight the damn dragon. Then, when he’s inevitably set aflame I expect him to express regret for not serving me better, and as he’s gobbled up I expect him to praise my eternal benevolence between each chomp of the dragon’s mighty jaws, ideally composing an ode to my grace as he slides down the lizard’s gullet towards a long…
By Tom Senior
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Posted in Review
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Also tagged Ardania, Armour, Benevolence, Blacksmiths, Cheesier, Chomp, Coffers, Cold Hard Cash, Fantasy Strategy, Fog Of War, High Fantasy, Horrible Death, Jaws, Majesty Game, Minions, Potion, Selfishness, Strategy Gaming, Wolf Den
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