Valve to close steam – “GFWL is too good”

By: Joe Martin

Published: June 4, 2012 Posted in: E3 2012, PC Gaming Nonsense

E3 is here again! Starting off our almost live coverage this year is Joe Martin, currently taking a break from producing the wonderful Unlimited Hyperbole

Valve founder Gabe Newell, standing on a milk crate outside the Los Angeles convention centre where E3 2012 is currently being hosted, confirmed rumours that Steam would be permanently closed down within the next 24 hours.

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Unfortunately, as all the journalists in attendance at the time worked for IGN and G4TV, none of them were aware what Steam was and so Newell’s announcement went mostly without query or confrontation. Rumours that players will be compensated with a free safari hat of their choice have not yet been confirmed.

“Over the past hour we’ve realised we’re unable to compete in this digital space,” Newell shouted to the disinterested masses, while stroking his luxuriant beard.

“The fact of the matter is that Microsoft’s Games For Windows is too strong a competitor for us to stand against – it’s just so usable and intuitive. Both of the gamers we spoke to in our focus-testing questioned us on why all games don’t just use that instead. As a result, I’ve made the decision to shut down Steam. I’ll be telling the rest of the Valve staff later today.”

Newell confirmed that Valve would continue to develop new games for “internets and stuff” in the future and that it’s next confirmed title, Gabe’s Beard Appreciator, would still be released on time.

“Everyone at Valve is really impressed with how Beard Appreciator is turning out so far, especially with the epic script that the old man, Murray, has written for us,” said Gabe. “The only problem is that, without Steam, you’ll be unable to play the game even after launch. We still anticipate a Metacritic score, however.”

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Joe Martin