After long-running speculation relating to a premium Battlefield 3 subscription model, EA have finally broken their silence on the matter in their E3 press conference, revealing a pioneering ‘Play When We Tell You To Play’ service.
EA CEO John Riccitiello, who took to the stage adorned in a golden toga, said “The feedback from our console market with rented servers and online passes has been superb. People really enjoy paying extra money for things that we should be providing for them in the first place. With our new Battlefield 3 model, we’re taking all remaining control and choice away from the player.”
After receiving a standing ovation, Riccitiello continued, “With ‘Play When We Tell You To Play’, you are alerted via electric shock from one of our specially installed microchips inside your cranium of the times in which you are allowed to play Battlefield 3. The chip is no bigger than six square centimetres and costs just $130 to be inserted by a member of our global team of hacksaw-wielding pharmacists.”
Riccitiello went on to confirm that attempts to play Battlefield 3 outside of the allotted times would be met with “pure unrelenting fury” and added that “while you may think you can opt out of this service, you can’t. Nobody can.” before departing via orphan’s blood-fuelled jetpack.