Hello and welcome to Gtopia. We hope you had a pleasant journey in and look forward to showing you the sights and sounds of this luscious, pixelated place in the sun. We’ll start the tour at The Ominous Castle of Ominousness and will then be moving on to The Great Mine, before concluding with The Great Sky Towers. Please stay close and try not to die. Thank you.
The Ominous Castle of Ominousness was started to make The Great Lake by The Great Hill more interesting. Built from stone from the adjacent Great Mine, The Castle is still very munch under construction and some say that it will probably never actually be completed. Inside is furnished with flagstone floors and stairs, though is currently closed to the public due to the secret construction of a dungeon/interior mine and emergency exit. The Inside of The Ominous Castle has flooded approximately four thousand times in the last three days. Now, if we turn directly around we can see The Great Hill and our main attractions.
On the left we can see the three Great Sky Towers. We’ll cover these in more detail later as on the right we can see the entrance to The Great Mine. Constructed for resource excavation and also as an excuse to dig through a mountain, The Great Mine has been active since Gtopia was first founded. So far, approximately 6 billion tonnes of stone has been excavated – most of which went into building The Great Sky Towers. Let’s go inside.
Before us are The Great Entrance Steps. Most of the light in here is actually natural, coming from the skylights above. Ten people died building the skylights – during the enquiry it was asked why standard torches were not used instead. Skylight Commissioner and Designer Edward Fenningdon answered with the controversial statement “Light should be natural wherever possible. If this means the death of ten idiot workers then so be it.” Let’s go down.
And finally we are in The Great Hall. Not actually that great, The Great Hall acts as a hub to the mine its self which carries on forwards but is rather boring and to The Great Underground Cavern which is off to our left through The Great Blood Entrance.
Ha! That was a little joke. It’s not actually blood but rather unused circuitry that we put there to freak people out. We are hilarious. Through the blood entrance is The Great Underground Cavern. Discovered completely by accident the Cavern is a natural wonder. It has still not been fully explored because any attempt to plumb the depths means certain death through getting lost. It is, however, a natural beauty.
The entrance opens into a huge, gushing waterfall that we only assume is responsible for the entire place. Let’s follow it down a little. Watch your footing, and again, try not to die.
Here we see the water in full flow. Most of the cavern is still natural but for accessibility and prettiness some has been modified. You will notice a tree surrounded by water installed by Ser Craigliss Lageer because “underground trees are cool, right?”.
As you can see, from that single waterfall water travels throughout the cavern into the depths of the world itself. Estimates put the amount of water passing through here each day as “infinite” and experts say the water is “The bluest water to ever have been”.
If we turn off to the left we will get into the most developed area of The Great Cavern. Here we see another underground tree and some sort of flaming shrine along with some crude water channelling. This note was found from Ser Lageer close to the site: “Need more underground trees. Got some planted but they are short of light. Constructed a giant darwinian to attach torches to – hope it works”. We can only assume Darwinian refers to the shrine, but what it is we still don’t know.
Off to this side we see what is affectionately called “Lava tree”. Planted and constructed by Edward Fenningdon, we assume it was an art installation as a statement on life surviving, if not thriving, against the odds. Some argue though that he was just an idiot who liked the term “Lava Tree”. We will never know.
A bit deeper we see the artificial beech. Considered one of the many huge failings of the Lageer – Fenningdon collaborations, the inside beech is neither tranquil, pretty, nor serving any function. It is rumoured that it hides valuable obsidian underneath its waters for later mining, but anyone who has ever tried to find out has been killed in a “work related accident”.
Close to the Beech are these breath taking Fire-Falls with pools off magma below and various, good observation platforms. This is known among staff, unofficially, as the “Obsidian investigator interrogation room” though we can’t get an explanation as to why.
This concludes our tour of The Great Mine. If we head back to The Great Hall we can nip out of one of the quick exits and take a look at the Sky Towers via The Garden Path. Have we lost many of you on the way? Six or so? That’s not too bad. They’re probably dead already now. Ha! Ahem.
The Garden Path was first constructed to link The Great Main Entrance to The Great Mine to the semi-secret entrance ladder we just used. It was later put through a very technical process known in the business as “Tarting Up” to make it pretty for any visitors. Now to climb Great Sky Tower A. Be careful not to slip – there are no hand rails and falling means instant death
Everybody up? Ok. If you look down then you can see everything below us – The Ominous castle, The Great Mine, The Garden Path and, in the distance you can just about make out one of Edward Fenningdons other art pieces – “Beech Cock”
Be careful on these bridges now. Just ahead is feature we call The Great Drop. A vertical tunnel that goes from the highest point of Gtopia to the lowest -a custom built pit for tourists. Follow me please.
Why not take a look down? Yes it’s very deep. What? Oh – I said it was a tourist pit. Oh don’t worry. You’ll be fine. Way out? No, I’m afraid not. Sorry. *push*.