Empire: Total War Diary – Part 6, Sly Frogs

I’m worried. Something’s definitely wrong. According to the Prestige Graph there’s a huge number of French troops hiding somewhere in the world. Thanks to the infiltration of my masterful Rakes I know that, aside from the expected defence force stationed at Paris, they’re not in France. Which means they must be in the Americas but I haven’t seen any in the Americas. After I wiped the Huron-Wyandot of the face of the Earth I waltzed into frog territory and took Louisiana and Michigan without so much as a scuffle.

I’m worried, but distracted by a bit of good news. Spain send an ambassador and offer me a trade agreement and a bit of gold, which is unexpected because they’re supposed to be allied with France against me. I politely and gracefully accept their offer, secretly extremely pleased that I won’t have to deal with their considerable forces. Then I engage in a spot of post-diplomacy invasion, taking the tiny sliver of the North-western Territories in America away from the French using only two troops. It’s the ass end of nowhere, but still worth capturing for the money.

Having snatched several territories from the French in America, and having signed a profitable trade agreement with the Spanish, I find myself swimming in gold. I can finally apply the infrastructure research I’ve mounted up and upgrade my farms and smithies to make me even more money. In this world, the rich get richer and the poor get conquered. Which is something I’d better not say too loud, because my populace is still a bit too fractious for my liking. Taxes are still low after threats of strikes and uprisings a few months ago. The short way to put an end to the moanings of the rabble is to garrison extra troops in the major cities. People tend not to speak out against the government when loyal, paid-up men with guns are walking the streets, weapons cocked and meaningfully on show. I don’t do this, not because I would feel guilty about my proto-police state, but because it would be extremely damn expensive and the troops would be better used in the Americas.

Especially right now. You know those thousands of French soldiers I was telling you about? They just showed up. I direct your gaze to the clumsily photoshopped image of the campaign map below.

Observe! The green arrows depict my unstoppable advance from the coast, through Moose Factory, through Fort Sault and then around the great lake to hit Upper Louisiana before successfully charging into Michigan Territory. At each town I left a couple of units and moved the bulk of my force onwards. It is at this juncture, with most of my troops still hungover from the victory celebrations of yet another conquest, the news arrives of a huge French invasion force, represented by the white arrow, which comes emerging from the fog of war, having travelled hundreds of miles through the North American wilderness to strike at Fort Sault.

The bastards. The absolute bastards. There’s probably a lesson to be learned here, something about expanding too quickly and leaving your flanks undefended but screw all that, I need to do something, and I need to do it now.

In hindsight, the decision I made next should perhaps have waited until I had calmed down a bit, until after a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down. I didn’t do any of those things. I glared at the screen for a long time and then charged the entirety of Gosling’s army eastwards towards Niagra and the heart of the French presence in North America. My ‘strategy’, if you could laughingly call it that, was to ‘kill them all, and therefore win’.

In fairness Fort Sault was lost. There’s no way I could move enough troops there fast enough, and the force is so large it’d probably trounce even Gosling’s army of seasoned veterans. I would resign to losing Fort Sault, and perhaps Moose Factory, but I would have three large territories in Upper Louisiana, Michigan and Niagra from which to launch a counter-attack in future. Meanwhile I kicked off a huge military recruitment drive in every city standing in North America. In three or four turns their collective training power should give rise to a sizeable new army. What really mattered, though, was that Gosling’s force remained more or less intact. The troops riding with him are so well drilled and experienced that they are capable of taking on forces larger than themselves, and it’s that kind of underdog power that I need to kneecap the French.

Which means I need Gosling’s force to remain as intact as possible. Which is why I’m nervous to find Fort Niagra really quite well defended.

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BATTLE REPORT – NIAGRA FALLS (eye-roll)

First thing’s first. They have cannons. First rule of cannons: don’t walk in front of the cannons.

There’s a unit of rifle men and a couple of units of cavalry behind the artillery emplacement. There’s no way that’s the size of their force so I’ll have to tread carefully, keeping an eye on the small patches of woodland dotted about the map. They’ll be on the defensive so I’ll be doing all the marching for this one. I dispatch my native skirmishers on a wide route round the Western flank looking to uncover any hidden enemy troops. Then I order my entire army to circle around the enemy force and line up on a nearby hill.

My devious strategy of moving out of the way of the cannons works perfectly. Immovable artillery are useless in Empire. During sieges they’re doomed to remain rooted in your deployment zone, often out of range of the enemy walls, in pitched battles they are easily circumnavigated.

The skirmishers flank well but are ambushed by a unit of cavalry and two units of stealthy skirmishers who leap out of the low lying shrub land and cut down my warriors with ease. That was to be their first and last mistake, positioned as they are, completely visible before my musket line.

Now, with most of the enemy forces now drawn out of hiding it’s a fairly simple task for my gun line to start the slow, inexorable march of death towards the foe, who are duly annihilated but for a couple of surprise charges from more enemy skirmishers hiding in nearby woodland. My well upgraded bayonets make short work of the attackers and Niagra is mine at the cost of 217 men. The enemy lost all 708 soldiers.

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Another French city falls and the British Empire expands apace. My supply lines are being cut by a cunning French counter incursion but my wealth and strong presence in the region puts me in good stead for the coming conflict. Meanwhile, in Europe, I’ve been doing some more spying. My heroic rogues are dispatched from their roles as Parisian arsonists and sent to infiltrate the corners of France, scouting for enemy forces. They discover acres and acres of rich land without an army in sight. I start to hatch a plan. If I pull it off it’ll turn the tide of this war instantly, and bring world domination that much closer.

I think I can take Paris.