Was that E3 2010 or did the God of Marketing chug a bullshit vindaloo before projecting an immense, greasy fart into some warehouse in LA? It’s getting so hard to tell. Anyway, here are the games that were probably on display and what I expect we now know about them, or something. What? No, of course I was paying attention.
Modern Warfare 3: In a bizarre twist, you play a lone airplane passenger in the hours after a terrorist attack who must fight his way out of an airport terminal through wave upon wave of Russian extremists. All enemies’ faces are either Jason West or Vincent Zampella. Your only weapon is a machinegun with infinite exploding acid bullets.
Half Life Episode 3: All plot details fade into the background amid the incessant emotional battering of seeing Alyx ‘killed’ every five minutes only for the game to quickly reveal each time that she actually survived after all. This is until the ending, where she really is killed. Presumably.
XCOM: All footage seen thus far is actually a glorious forty minute cut-scene which introduces a repugnantly inaccessible version of the original X-COM (set in the 50s). Everyone is disappointed.
Crysis 2: After a rollicking first hour in New York, the protagonist must board the alien mothership where the remaining eleven hours of the game take place. After numerous unspectacular battles, the final boss reveals itself to be a Queen Alien which looks disturbingly like a bloated, extraterrestrialised version of Crytek CEO Cevat Yerli. The fight consists of the invulnerable ‘Yurli Queen’ floating about repeating “Why won’t you love us? Please love us” in a hideous, ring-modulated shriek. It never ends and the player must ctrl-alt-delete to exit the game, whereupon your hard drive shatters.
DEUS EX: Human Revolution: An excellent looking game tempered only by an ill-judged sequence during which Adam must gain the confidence of a high-ranking corporate entity by disguising himself as a hostess. Only after an irritating item search to compile the costume and an awkward rendition of ‘My Guy’ does Adam receive the information he requires.
Mafia II: Despite the promise of a magnificent story-driven opus, 2k Czech demonstrate a visually impressive but cripplingly poorly written game. The plot is lifted directly from an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, and expositionary cut scenes are disjointed and frequently fade to black in an incoherent babble of stereotypical Italian-American phraseology including ‘wassamattayou?’, ‘aaaay!’ and ‘forgeddabowdit’.
Bioshock 3: For some reason you play a whale.
Team Fortress 3: Valve finally give everyone what they wanted, dropping the FPS component and making the franchise entirely about the collection and exchange of comedy hats.
Mass Effect 3: Shepherd begins with a party of forty-nine discrete characters, each possessing exhaustively written personalities and backstories. Using some of the most sophisticated conversation and plot trees in computer game history, every choice you make, from your outfit to the Normandy’s air-con temperature, results in the valiant sacrifice of at least one crew member.