Don’t Make Me Play – Street Fighter IV

BUTTONPALM. For two decades this has been my reliable win-it-or-lose-it strategy for Beat-Em-Ups. The Controller doesn’t thank me for it, but if I wanted to know its feelings I wouldn’t have cut out its tounge/rumblepack. Street Fighter II brings about strange memories of frustration and whimsy; whenever I used to go visit my cousins we’d gather around their fancy new Sega Mega Drive and seven of us would take it in turns, winner stays on. It’s mixed with frustration as I never won the required two rounds in a row. So why now, some 15 years later, am I going through this bastard experience again? Simple. I’m a games journalist, and thus must hate myself.

Now, the rules I set myself for this challenge are -
1) No complex moves assigned to a simple button press.
2) Be polite and be courteous, though you are in the barren lands of humanity’s soul. A.k.a, GFWL.
3) I need to win at least one game, ranked, to fufill this challenge.
4) A game against friends doesn’t count.
5) Do it with Dan Hibiki. Watch this video if you need to know why, plus looking at Dan really does quell any rage you might have. If I manage to beat a seasoned professional, that victory will be all the sweeter. Just look at the guy -

You will see this face in pain alot during the course of this article.

I knew I was out of my depth when I fired up the single player. To get my prize joker Dan I had to beat the game first with Ryu, then with a jailbait girl who gives gracious upskirt shots. As I was impatient I put the number of rounds down to one and jumped in and lost the first game. I bumped the difficulty down to “Easiest” and tried again, this time losing at around the fifth game in. To put that in perspective, there’s people who’ve completed the “Easiest” mode by auto-firing heavy kick and leaving the room. Screw this game.

Sadly forced back to the controller, I figured some practice wouldn’t go amiss. It seems people do intentionally manage to perform moves in this game. I spend an hour montaging, eventually been able to pull off an ultra combo against a static dummy 1 times out of every 10. Doctor, I reckon I’m fit for human interaction. Only virtually mind.

Deciding that I should try against more casual players first I leave ranked mode alone and jump into a no-stakes battle. Here, I meet my arch foe; Ken/Akuma/Ryu. Specifically Ken, the genitaless barbie doll with a penchant for fireballs and Shoryuken spam. Dan, under my esteemed tutelage, got caught by these ALOT.

Colonshoryukenoscopy

After a few sparring sessions with the same guy I think I managed to get a hold on the basics of SFIV. Don’t attack recklessly, let yourself block a few moves, calm movements to pull off special moves. I was starting to feel it, and amazingly managed to time moves rather than just be as surprised as my opponent when I discovered super flaming fireball death attack (Dan has no such move, so don’t get your hopes up). There’s nothing so satisfying as when playing a natural loser like Dan to beat your opponent at their own game -

The slightly less impressive comeuppance.

Naturally, after luckily whooping my opponent in just one single friendly game I felt confident to head out to the big leagues. Infact here’s where I started seeing stark resemblences between myself and Dan worryingly, as my response to this one win and the confidence boost it gave me perfectly echoed his post-win speech against Ken -

I actually did this gesture at the same time as Dan after winning. Then had a little cry about how sad I’d become.

In short : Oh Dear. Oh Dear Oh Dear. I hope you enjoy images of amsuing freeze-frame poses and repeated losses, as that’s what you’re getting for the rest of this post. What is wrong with these people. So I lost, by an embarrasing margin each time I tried to play a technical game, finding I actually did more damage flailing on buttons previously than trying to pull off moves on purpose. It didn’t help that every opponent nearly was either Ryu/Ken/Akuma/Gouken. A few matches in and already I was searching for a way to break my rule number two, reasoning that if artifical intelligences and defence lawyers can find create ways to bend rules then so can I.

Dan’s first match: Losing to a slightly posh girl.

One opponent even sent me a touching badly mrsspellde massage that he’d beaten me using the thousandth Akuma I’d seen/become bored of. “Hahahahaha o mn wht a loozr, ure sch a naab.” Warmed by his words of encouragement, I decided that just because I couldn’t break rule two didn’t mean I wasn’t allowed to have fun so sent back some Beck lyrics; reasoning I might as well communicate non-sensically as well. His (and I definetly assume a he, god help me if it was a girl) response to “Soyyyyy, un perdedor, I’m a loserrr babyyy, so why don’t you kill me?” was “hahahaha i wldave n eet naabs leik u fr brkfst.” I gave up attempting to have fun with GFWL folk, trying to be pleasant or humorous with them was like God trying to reveal the meaning of life to mankind, but mankind’s response is “lol wut nerd”.

When in doubt against fearsome ninja warrior; flash crotch.

It was now that I was beginning to think that anyone of my skill level had too given up a long time ago in an online world mostly comprised of needlessly competitive males. You’ve seen I picked Dan, why pick Seth or Akuma to take him on? Out of the hundreds of matches I played, I think I only faced about three people with any sense of humour. True, maybe I came in expecting the wrong thing; like jumping into counter strike and refusing to use anything but the knife. But then again, Counter-Strike doesn’t give you a Dan option. Having skill but also humour whilst you play isn’t impossible; I know this as a few skilled opponents I faced would sometimes stop in the exchange of blows and we’d have a taunt off, before jumping back into the fray.

When in doubt against effeminate transvestite warrior; pull scary face.

Damn, look at me beginning to take this game seriously. The gruelling nature of it has worn my plucky goodwill down. The only reason I haven’t given up really is all because of Dan, he encourages a relentless spirit and determination in this smug fighting world. He’s got a crap fireball, when he throws he doesn’t quite manage it the first time and his ultra doesn’t work if the opponent blocks. His only speciality rather than heavy blows, special moves, speed or anything useful is taunts. If you ever need a figure to perfectly sum up struggling against adversty Dan’s your man. I can do this; for my pride, for my sanity but most of all for Hibiki!

When in doubt against fearsome St.Nicholas: Christmas warrior; proffer.

So I was down, beaten and it looked like the bad guy had won. Time for the epic comeback finale yes? Well…hmm. Pictures can say a thousand words -

I pick my own titles wisely.

Do I really have to play this fucking game? Why did I make a challenge to myself to defeat an incredibly hardcore playerbase, in a genre I’m shit at with a shit (but great) character no-one else uses? Because I’m mother respecting Ed Fenning, and (just like with my writing career) I don’t give in though I probably should. In the end, I wish I had an epic story. That I beat an extremely technical and proficent Ryu at his own game who had over 2000 Battlepoints. I’m still waiting for that day.

Wait, what?!

Then that happened. I was so resigned to defeat and going through the motions I almost blinked and missed it. Against a 1500 point opponent (unfortunatley not playing as one of my fireball nemisis) I half lucked out, half skill fought him to a narrow victory. But it was still a victory! The feeling of elation that I’d previously had beating Akumas for 1 round out of three was nothing. I ran around the room like a loon. I won! I beat a hardcore opponent! Dan doesn’t suck! I don’t suck! Vega perhaps sucks! I no longer have to play this game!

Flex on champ, flex on.

I should’ve put the game down, and left on a high. Unfortunatley I wanted to try and lie about having my first victory against an Akuma so played another match and lost before quitting. But still, never have I tried for a win as hard as this. I feel a little miffed it was only 20g, when completing a tutorial in most games gives that without spending a damn day of playing and failing. But me and Dan are going to walk away from SFIV as champions, the winners at the end of the day in this stupid frustrating game. Dan’s victory speech seems a fitting message to end on, mirroring my own sentiments towards the majority of GFWL Street Fighter playerbase. Taunt on Saikyo, taunt on -