Right, now that I’ve signed the dotted line to write for Gaming Daily (in blood no less… Craig has the strangest demands), it’s time I put my cards on the table and come completely clean in the spirit of no secrets between us – myself the contributor and you the slightly disinterested reader: Despite being a 25 year old, red blooded (just check the Gaming Daily contract, I wasn’t kidding) male, I recently splashed a load of cash on a brand new PC after a long spell in the console wastelands – with a main aim of playing The Sims 3. That’s right: despite being over 16 and male I’m more interested in fake interior design and simulating real life than comitting alien genocide with arms the size of treetrunks, and the kind of script that would make Ed Wood cringe.
I love The Sims, and I’m only slightly ashamed to say so. I’ve loved it since the very first one, and it has some of my absolute favourite gaming anecdotes attached, a few of which I thought I’d share with you here.
First of all there’s the opportunity for needless personal vendettas. When it became painfully apparent that one of my neighbours didn’t take kind to being forcibly tickled as a substitute for a “hello”, it only encouraged me. I’d never seen a Sim’s relationship go into the red before and was eager to help it on its way. Unfortunately, I seemed to hit an impossible block when the other sim took the mature approach of ignoring me – he’d never accept my invitations to visit, with fairly good reason. I got past this problem by phoning him at various hours between 1am and 5am. Sometimes going as far as to wake up my Sim in order to do so.
The University add-on pack for the sequel contained the brilliant feature of allowing your Sim to streak. It was a happy first day at university for little Alan, as he proceeded to spend his first day streaking around campus neglecting all other functions and eventually wetting himself. The following day he streaked through the dorm’s breakfast gathering with a hygiene level of zero (he hadn’t showered or slept since the previous day’s escapades) putting every diner off of their food.
Of course it wouldn’t be The Sims without massive potential to interrupt their most embarrassing bodily functions. As well as the fairly mundane approach of not providing them a toilet, had you ever considered building the bathroom with built in Western-Saloon doors, and a large bay window looking out onto the neighbours’ house? Better still, build a couple of toilets either side of the front door. Trust me when I say that shouts of “they’re supposed to be ornamental” will not prevent your new architectural talking points from being defiled.
I’ve saved my personal favourite until last though, and this one was a joint effort between me and my brother. It was a fortuitous combination actually – he’d discovered that if he used the telescope during the day, his octogenarian sim would be immediately visited by an outraged neighbour who would take great offence at his spying. Immediately, the elderly sim began work at seducing his new enemy’s daughter, and within weeks they were an item. At the same time, another member of the household was working solidly in order to fund an outdoor romantic hot tub. One of the functions amorous sims can indulge in within is ‘woohooing’ – a child-friendly euphemism for copulating like rabbits.
I think you can see where I’m going with this:
1. Elderly sim invites neighbour’s daughter round.
2. Elderly sim spies on neighbour through telescope.
3. Elderly sim and neighbour’s daughter quickly climb into the hot tub.
4. Elderly sim and neighbour’s daughter get it oooooown.
Unfortunately, the game didn’t allow the neighbour to come around and catch his mortal enemy doing the nasty with his daughter less than half her age. Turns out despite ample evidence to the contrary, The Sims’ engine has some levels of human decency.
I once posted on a popular gaming forum asking for the most sadistic acts performed to the little computer people, and answers ranged from bog-standard cruelty (not allowing them to sleep) all the way up to making their sims serial killers (one particuarly elaborate example involved inviting neighbours over, sending them to the shed, deleting the door, leaving them alone with a fireworks kit and letting nature take its course.)
So here’s your chance to confess your Sims sins (which will never look right as an expression). What’s the worst thing you’ve put a virtual you through in the name of your own entertainment? I promise not to judge you… well, unless you’re sicker than me and my siblings.
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I don’t think I’ve ever really tortured myself past the standard killings in the sims. I did get my mrs annoyed though when I sent a virtual me around the neighbour hood and getting him to lay anyone who seemed moderately attractive. Apparently that’s “wrong”