I’m a cleaner – Mission 4

By: Craig Lager

Published: April 20, 2009 Posted in: Game Reports, I'm a cleaner

FBI? Pah. Fuck em. My target today is protected by a swarm of federal agents but it makes no difference – he’s already dead. Mr Target is a drug baron now holed up in witness protection. Some people want him dead and are willing to pay money; this is where I come in.



Hitman: Mr target



The target is in a subtle little mansion settled nicely into an American suburb. Today he is throwing a party for his daughter which means plenty of strange faces about, in turn meaning one extra unfamiliar should go un-noticed. Unfortunately, due to there being lots of new faces about there are an extra load of suit and sunglases wearing FBI agents on patrol. Extra unfortunately it’s a kids party and it’s the middle of the day.


I start just around the corner from the mansion and wander around. There is a food delivery truck, a couple of vans, a clown, the mansion its self, lots of security, plus random people who live in the area. To start with I try to take out the oh so comedic clown, disguise as him and get inside this way. I’ve had success with this before but now I keep getting seen or it’s going terribly wrong somehow and top top it the clown gets searched before he’s allowed inside meaning no guns. I have to restart and find a better way. A look through my hint list tells me that the security staff like donuts. Ok. I find some in the back of the food delivery truck and poison them with some sedatives. That done I just wait to see what happens.



Hitman: silly policeman



A butler is carrying food to the house out from the back of the truck. Seeing the donuts and being a generally helpful chap he takes them over to a van parked outside, knocks on the back door and waits. The door flings open and an FBI agent pops out, takes the donuts and goes back in. It’s a surveilance truck then…I never knew that. There are actually two agents in the truck, both enjoy donuts and both are quickly put to sleep by the hidden sedative – all I have to do is sneak into the truck, borrow a suit and pair of sunglasses from the sleeping beauties then I’m an FBI agent and can head straight into the house without so much as being searched. Excellent.


I head straight through the house to the back yard. Thankfully the kids party hasn’t started yet and it seems they are all out at McDonalds or something. There is a BBQ set up next to a big swimming pool which a half naked woman is messing with. The woman is quite interesting as she has a necklace on that I’m tasked to steal – basically making her a target. There are a few people out in the garden though; the clown is dicking around showing off tricks to some FBI agents, then there is a pool guy wandering around. In the corner of the garden is a big shed with a locked door which looks worth looking into. When no-one is about I slip inside. Rummaging around in the old shed I find a big bottle of a highly flammable liquid of some sort. A puzzle clicks into place, flammable + bbq + semi naked woman = explosion + screaming + death / necklace I need to steal.


Hitman: Overdone?




I wander over to the BBQ and pour the bottle of future death over it. Now I just have to wait. In a minute or so the woman with a distinct lack of clothes oh so predictably wanders over the the BBQ, fiddles with it, then seconds later is running around on fire, screaming. No one really runs to help as the pseudo clothed flame dives into the pool in a last ditch attempt to save herself. The flames go out but all that remains is a charred corpse floating face down and the clown keeps on entertaining. This could be a metaphore for life or something. Even when I wade into the pool, rob the corpse of its somehow remaining necklace then wade back out – no one bats an eyelid. Fine by me.


Hitman: fucking with the fuse




Now I have the necklace all that’s left to do is to take out MR Target – the dirty rat. He’s in his living room just watching TV with another FBI agent. He either doesn’t care or is blisfully unaware that his late wife is slightly over done and way past the “5 second rule” of being on the floor (or in the case in the pool). To take him out, I need to get him on his own. This is pretty simple, I nip outside, break the fuse box then wander back in as the agent is sent out to fix it. I stand behind the seated ex-mobster, take out my trusty silenced pistol, pop a shot in the back of his head spraying blood all over the TV, then casually walk out. I nip into the security van from earlier, put my suit on, then stroll out of this picturesqe suberb to my escape.



Hitman: Watching TV? Your doing it rong!



One shot fired, no witnesses, I’m rated professional. WTF?! This should have bagged me silent assassin really…maybe it’s because I’m the wrong side of 10 minutes, but still…wtf? Ah well, on to the next guy.

Craig Lager
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