Tom outlined what he was looking forward to in 2010 earlier this week. Here’s what is actually going to happen.
Mass Effect 2
In Biowares next publicity campaign to push final pre-orders and early sales they will release a trailer showing Shepard having uncensored penetrative sex with a guy, girl, bit-of-both alien and a dog simultaneously. Fox News will be so enraged that they will start a campaign to exile Bioware from the US. Unfortunately Fox News only have +7 int so they fail and end up exiling themselves. Twice.
Star Trek Online
Will turn out to be just yet another MMORPG. So disappointed with bland reviews on their career-maintaining franchise both Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner create a new group – The Federation – who seek out game journos and bombard them with Star Trek quotes until they retract their reviews and issue new glowing ones with the only complaint being “Would have been better with William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy included”.
Just Cause 2
Turns out to be so bombastic and explosive, peoples monitors explode just when they watch a video of a video of someone playing it. All copies are recalled and reissued with “Ricos Pony Adventures: Liberation Island” in which the player liberates a country by exposing people to super cute ponies. It gets 9/10 from Edge magazine who call it ‘ironic and beautiful’
Alpha Protocol
After 6 months of release no body has ever played it. There are no reviews, no forum threads, nothing. When asked people always respond in roughly the same way “It’s the title. It’s just too boring. I try to bring myself to install it but as soon as I look at the box I instantly lose interest.” Obsidian tweak then re-release Alpha Protocol as “Alpha Protocol 2: tits and strippers edition.” It has a metacritic user rating of 99.
Starcraft II
Blizzard reveal that along with no LAN support, Starcraft II will have no singleplayer or multiplayer support either to ‘fight piracy’. The idea works; literally 0 copies turn up on the Piratebay, though at a distinct loss of sales. Except in korea where every single citizen has a copy. They all stare at the menu screen for 9 hours per day where the only options are “Exit” and “Settings” – flipping the cursor between the two as quickly as possible
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