My ex doesn’t like my newest conquest. Apparently she’s too “gruff and noisy”. Whatever, I say. Maybe she is just “a trophy on my arm”, but a trophy that people slow down to just get a little bit of a longer look at her. With my ex they just ran past, not really caring. In the end, me and Sacha had a good run, but we’re done with now, and to be honest I prefer the “gruff and noisy”..ness of Natascha. Plus the fact that people literally slow down to look at her longer, only drives how I idolize her.
But hold on, I’m not talking about women, but guns…massive huge gigantic (or mini) guns. Oh how I (probably didn’t) trick you.
The Heavy of TF2 loves his guns. He hugs them and everything. The one you start with is called Sascha. To upgrade it, you need to do 16 of the Heavy exclusive achievements, this was my mission.
The first thing you unlock is the ‘Sandvich’ (say it loud and in a Russian accent please), a replacement for your secondary weapon. You get this for 10 achievements, which isn’t too hard to do. It tops up your health for when you are a lonely heavy with no medic.
Getting another 6 achievements can be a bit of a mission, especially when the achievements are like ‘get 1000 kill assists’, ‘kill someone with a critical punch’, and ‘kill someone with a taunt’. I did the Pyro ‘kill with a taunt’ ok, but thats because you can hide a Pyro and ambush a sniper fairly quickly. You cant just hide a heavy, he’s called ‘The Heavy’ for fucks sake. He is a massive mean Russian mother fucker, with a mini gun as big as he is.
I spent a great deal of time defending, as that’s what Heavies do best, and it seems for a good 20 minutes all I did was kill spies and scouts. Well, killing spies earns me an achievement, as does killing anybody running off with the intel.
There is also an achievement for killing 5 people without ‘spinning down’ your minigun (keep it firing or ready to fire), and another one for firing $200,000 worth of ammo in one round. I have a genius idea of parking myself over some re-spawning ammo, and just kept on firing. I was guarding the intel so never saw much action, never really taking on more than one person at once, so while effective (both for the team and my achievements), once I got both of these achievements I was bored so wandered off to guard somewhere a bit closer to the front.
I was guarding a bottle neck on a little passage that leads into our base (the sewers on 2fort for any that know TF2), when a medic came along. Rather than doing what people usually do on TF2 and just running to attack, he stayed with me. Clever medic, this is what we are meant to do. Then, an engineer came up, and built an ammo and health dispenser right next to me. Brilliant! My heath was constantly being recharged uber quick, and I had infinite ammo. Nothing was fucking getting past me. Im a big mean, base defending machine.
It was going wonderfully, and I got a kill streak of 18 before the bastard spy took me out. He also took out the dispenser. I couldn’t get the medic to follow me again, the halcyon times of sewer defending were over…I look at my achievements.
After all that killing I only have 2 achievements to go before I get lovely Natascha. I go for ‘kill someone with a critical punch’ This is a bit tough, as getting a critical hit is mostly down to luck, and I have to melee someone to death with the least agile character in the whole game. After much dying, flailing, and more dying I manage it, leaving one.
I notice I am only 1 kill away from ‘kill 20 people while you are already dominating them’. To dominate someone, you need to kill them 3 times without them killing you. On the score screen I can see I am dominating one person, “Sibor”. I have to kill him, now. Sibor, you’re going down…mother flipper.
I frantically start hunting, I know he’s playing as a soldier, so any soldiers are pretty much in for it. After a heated ‘debate’ with a soldier, I die. I nearly lost all hope untill I realised it was someone else. Thank god, the hunt continues. When I spot another soldier, he is accompanied by a pyro and a medic. Nothing else matters, the soldier has to go. I don’t take my aim off him as my rounds pummel into his face. I’m nearly dead. If he kills me, or even assists in my death, and its Sibor, Natascha is another step away. I only have a few health left when he falls. Achievement Unlocked! I die, flaming from the Pyro, but I don’t care; Sibor is dead, I have a new woman.
And sorry, but thats all you’re getting for a week now. I’m off on holiday (yes, in October), so I’ll see you when I get back. I’ll be sure to bring you some rock…though I might have to eat it myself for medical reasons.
