Mmph muhhh muhh mph

By: Craig Lager

Published: September 12, 2008 Posted in: Game Reports

We are getting spanked at Team Fortress 2. A custom map, Battle Creek (ripped from halo), and rounds are only lasting two minutes because the red team are just winning, constantly donning the ‘in ure base stealin ure intel’ stance. Nothing I try is helping this.

I go engineer, and put a sentry right by our oh-so-precious intel/flag. Some spy comes in, saps the sentry long enough to grab the intel and run. Fail.

I go sniper, and scouts just keep rushing me, scattergunning my brain. Fail.

I go soldier. Im just crap at playing soldier. Fail.

I go heavy, defending our precious, and actually…nothing. No one comes in to grab the intel. I can only assume the sound of my Gun of Ridiculousness spinning, ready to spew heated, high velocity metal into their face, is putting them off coming in for tea. Unfortunately, we don’t get our grubby mitts on their intel either. Sub-Fail.

The last round draws and it dawns on me, ‘we aren’t attacking’. Because us blues had got so wrapped up in stopping the ‘look-at-me-im-so-clever’ reds getting the intel, we seemed to have forgotten about grabbing theirs. Time for a change.

Team fortress 2: pyro

I go Pyro, and charge like a literally flaming idiot. Arazmus has me covered via sniper, popping off anyone who stands still. I burst into their base, set everyone on fire, grab the intel, and run. A sniper takes a shot from behind, and hits me, but luckily not in the head. I’m still running, but nearly dead “Mphmpphh” my Pyro cries, which translates to “Excuse me good sirs, but I have been made aware that I may need serious medical attention”. There is no medic, so I just keep running. “Help! Sniper!” I excitedly scream to Arazmus, hoping hes in the area. He is, and takes the bastard sniper out… I’m on the home straight.

I land the intel, we finally get a bloody point! Hurrah. Wizzo. Yay. General elation. We repeat this tactic for about 5 rounds straight, me charging in, screaming “Burn, Burn Burn!!!! Agh ha ha ha! I’m the king of flames and you are my charred dead enemies. Now gaze upon my kingdom of destruction.” with Arazmus coolly picking off heads, keeping me covered. We win, again, and again, and again. God knows what the rest of the team are doing, but this is working a charm.

The Pyro does an amazing thing. It makes people panic. Where ever flames are, people don’t want to be. Its built in. It’s like my relation to Burbury caps and ‘modded’ Citroen Saxos, they run away, shooting crazily at anything, hoping to take me out before I bake them, but all the while they can only see fire and more panic stricken buddies…but mostly fire.

As a side note, It came to my attention that the subscription widget wasn’t working from the homepage. If anybody has been trying to subscribe with no joy, you now can from the subscription page

Craig Lager
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